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Welcome! I will be offering my personal musings about music, meditation and life.
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Welcome! I will be offering my personal musings about music, meditation and life.
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It's a snowy day and I love looking out my window as the snow swirls outside -- I feel warm and cozy, especially knowing that I don't have to go out into the cold. I assumed today's meditation would be warm and cozy as well. It wasn't.
The Ch'Oprah meditation today focused on forgiveness. To my surprise, I began weeping from the moment that Deepak started speaking with this quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr: "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." Why did I cry? Because I began thinking of my mother whose death occurred almost a year ago (Jan 13th). For some reason, I realized in this moment that I hadn't forgiven myself for the way I often spoke to my mother or thought of her while she was living. She was a very loving and sweet person, but also passive-aggressive in the way she dealt with her own shortcomings. Whenever my sisters or I would suggest ideas that might make her life more enjoyable (after my parents' divorce in 1978), she would always find a reason not to do it. Or when she would spend money frivolously on the Home Shopping Network, she would reply that she deserved some happiness since my dad had left her. She seemed to enjoy playing the role of 'victim' and, to my way of thinking, didn't want to take responsibility for her own actions. This was always frustrating to me (and my sisters) and I would say things to her that weren't always kind. I wished she were a different kind of mother - one that I could emulate as I got older, but instead, I felt ashamed of her and vowed never to end up that way. My conversations with her would be short and irritable when she didn't seem to listen to what I was saying. Luckily, through meditation and work with my life coach over the past 2 years, I started to realize that the way I was behaving toward her was not helpful for either of us. I was able to start speaking with her with more patience and kindness during the final year of her life. I even told her how much I appreciated what a good mother she had been to me, especially during my childhood. I know that meant alot to her and it brought me some comfort during the days following her death to know that she'd heard those words from me. But today's meditation struck a painful nerve in my heart which made me realize that I've never fully forgiven myself for the negative way that I spoke to and treated her in the past. So begins a new and, most likely, difficult inner journey for me. The centering thought in today's meditation - "Forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness sets me free" - is a mantra to remember as I begin this process. I will spend time reflecting on all of these self-realizations and work on forgiving myself. Why does it seem easier to forgive others than myself? I'm sure it's no accident that this is coming up now, given the close proximity to my mother's death anniversary. That's the way the universe works. And in order to move forward in my life, I must embrace forgiveness.
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I read an article this morning which suggested that we make a conscious effort to spread kindness this year. Certainly, the past year was not filled with much of it - in fact, I would categorize 2016 as a time that anger, hatred and fear prevailed. Spreading kindness may be one of our most powerful weapons against those negative emotions and I will do my best to extend compassion to those around me. I'm sure I will fail many times -- I'm only human! -- but I'll give it my best effort.
I've begun the New Year with a meditation which has guided me to see where my career, family, health, and life purpose will be at this time next year. I find myself uncertain of some of my goals, but there are others that are quite evident. When it comes to my health, I definitely want to lose weight by eating healthier foods (cooking more!) and exercising more regularly again. I also want to continue meditating regularly to improve my emotional and spiritual health, and to help me fearlessly speak my truth. As for family, I want to see my husband and daughters successful and happy with their lives - and that they are full of love and respect for themselves, each other and me, just as I am for them. Finally, when it comes to my career, I can see that I'm in the process of letting go of singing in some ways, but am not sure how that space will be filled in the future. It's been such a part of my identity throughout most of my life, and even though it's scary, it feels like the time has come to let go of the old and make room for the new - whatever that may prove to be.
I will chronicle my journey in this blog with the hope that it may be interesting and helpful to others. Let me know what your journeys are this year. Let's boldy welcome 2017 with open arms! My website is finally published and just in time for the new year! This is my first blog and I will use it to sing my truth about everything and anything. I look forward to hearing your truth!
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