Forgiveness - a personal journey

It's a snowy day and I love looking out my window as the snow swirls outside -- I feel warm and cozy, especially knowing that I don't have to go out into the cold.  I assumed today's meditation would be warm and cozy as well.  It wasn't.

The Ch'Oprah meditation today focused on forgiveness.  To my surprise, I began weeping from the moment that Deepak started speaking with this quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr:  "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."  Why did I cry?  Because I began thinking of my mother whose death occurred almost a year ago (Jan 13th).  For some reason, I realized in this moment that I hadn't forgiven myself for the way I often spoke to my mother or thought of her while she was living. 

She was a very loving and sweet person, but also passive-aggressive in the way she dealt with her own shortcomings.  Whenever my sisters or I would suggest ideas that might make her life more enjoyable (after my parents' divorce in 1978), she would always find a reason not to do it.  Or when she would spend money frivolously on the Home Shopping Network, she would reply that she deserved some happiness since my dad had left her.  She seemed to enjoy playing the role of 'victim' and, to my way of thinking, didn't want to take responsibility for her own actions.  This was always frustrating to me (and my sisters) and I would say things to her that weren't always kind.  I wished she were a different kind of mother - one that I could emulate as I got older, but instead, I felt ashamed of her and vowed never to end up that way.  My conversations with her would be short and irritable when she didn't seem to listen to what I was saying.  Luckily, through meditation and work with my life coach over the past 2 years, I started to realize that the way I was behaving toward her was not helpful for either of us.  I was able to start speaking with her with more patience and kindness during the final year of her life.  I even told her how much I appreciated what a good mother she had been to me, especially during my childhood.  I know that meant alot to her and it brought me some comfort during the days following her death to know that she'd heard those words from me. 

But today's meditation struck a painful nerve in my heart which made me realize that I've never fully forgiven myself for the negative way that I spoke to and treated her in the past.  So begins a new and, most likely, difficult inner journey for me. The centering thought in today's meditation -  "Forgiveness is for me.  Forgiveness sets me free"  - is a mantra to remember as I begin this process.  I will spend time reflecting on all of these self-realizations and work on forgiving myself.  Why does it seem easier to forgive others than myself?  I'm sure it's no accident that this is coming up now, given the close proximity to my mother's death anniversary.  That's the way the universe works.  And in order to move forward in my life, I must embrace forgiveness.